Justin's Friday To-Do List...

Jamie called me awhile back to discuss Justin's weight problem. At the time I dismissed it and told Jamie to mind his own business. Then just last night Justin left his to-do list at the bar. I think Jamie may be right - doesn't this sound like a desperate cry for help to you?


Fat-Ass Justin's Friday To-Do List:

1. Put a piece of cardboard behind my head, hang a net from my chin, and have Jamie dunk fried things in my mouth like Hakeem.
2. Watch the Tyson-Holyfield fight over and over again.
3. See how many times I can spell “Jamie” in four boxes of AlphaBits.
4. Argue incessantly with Burger King employee that extra mayonnaise, cake frosting, scrambled eggs, ranch dressing, bacon, and salsa all fall within the 'Have It Your Way' clause.
5. Renew Sally Struthers Fan Club membership.
6. Put high-carbon sand in my shoes and try to make diamonds.
7. Watch a 1987 documentary on Ethiopia with a bag of Fiddle Faddle
8. Try to understand how the Nacho Cheese revolution of the late 1970’s was kept only within the confines of triangular corn chips.
9. Go Martin Luther on major religious holidays, nailing a list of why “fast” should be a verb rather than a noun in both secular AND religious eating dogma to a large tree.
10. Remain convinced that mass defines a meal, rather than the limiting caloric standard.
11. Prove the Dip Theorem – where dip is always independent of the availability of chip.
12. Sautee a rock, just to see what happens.
13. Stand there confused after having a Polish sausage, perplexed as to why it doesn’t shine.
14. Perfect the recipe for Ham Lester.
15. Trade workout secrets with John Goodman.
16. Search map for location of Candy Land. Stifle ensuing disappointment with the thought that they laughed at Ponce De Leon too.
17. Call customer service rep at Pfizer to discuss the possibility of fudge-based Viagara pills.
18. Meditate for half hour in front of Kirstie Alley shrine.
19. Perfect 'hot maple syrup' technique for treatment of brain-freeze. Congratulate self for contribution to medical science.
20. Crisco shots!!!
21. Laugh at Subway Jared, what a loser!
22. Ponder whether the ocean is just a giant salty gumbo just waiting for a stovetop big enough.
23. Ponder reoccurring 'naked-in-a-deli' dream.
24. Repeatedly listen to Weird Al's 'Eat It'. Become frustrated no one else understands song's deeper meaning.
25. Curse self upon sudden realization that you've called in sick on office refrigerator clean-out day.
26. Try going lefty with the spoon for awhile.
27. Whoops. Left the fridge door open again. Better bury all this in here before it goes bad.
28. I’m dreeeeaaaming of a friiied Christmas…
29. Stare in amazement at late pictures of Marlon Brando and wonder “who is his trainer?”
30. Proclaim loudly out the window that diet is what you do to a t-shirt at a Dead show.
31. Eat baker’s yeast, flour, and water and see if I can shit a dinner roll.
32. Find that perfect moment during the 10 o’clock hour to shift from breakfast to lunch.
33. Wonder why seven layer dip stopped at just seven.
34. Invent Ham Pudding.
35. Ponder age-old question: Just how many licks does it take to get to the juicy center of a roasted pig?
36. Write a manifesto declaring vegans next to or right under Jehovah’s Witnesses and Scientologists on the “I’d love to sit down and chat” list.
37. Try out for the CU mascot job.
38. Dream of what Jamie would be like with brown gravy and a baked potato.
39. Search dimples for that drumstick I lost on Tuesday.
40. Ponder state of current relationship whilst wondering if Colonel Sanders is single.
41. Frosted Salad!
42. Inform Captain Solo and Chewbacca that I’m going to drive them to the middle of the desert and throw them in a pit
43. Eat a cat
44. Try to figure out why anyone would run anywhere for any reason.
45. Mock a bulimic. What a waste!
46. Finish schematics for the Invisible Ass Gutter.
47. Attempt to gate-crash a matinee at the Comedy Club by dressing up like Louie Anderson.
48. Decide whether “Sugar Pie Honey Bunch” was a 60’s ode to a beloved pastry.
49. Solve the Miracle Whip vs. mayonnaise question once and for all.
50. Fry an elk.
51. Empty a box of Kix all over the house and play Pac Man.
52. Convince myself that Jamie is a pizza, because pizza never makes me cry.
53. Thumb through the Hostess catalog with one hand.
54. Re-enact hard boiled egg scene from Cool Hand Luke.
55. Meet with Levi's textile engineers regarding tensile strength of demin.
56. Time for a midafternoon snack, who wants a Luther?
57. Shut the blinds, lock the doors, turn on the Food Network and begin pleasuring self.
58. Write “Jamie” in the cheese on a lasagna and devour it
59. Track down and buy that killer subway-themed wallpaper so I can decorate my house just like a sandwich shop. Perma-lunch!
60. Playfully wonder if Godzilla preferred honey-dijon or a raspberry vinaigrette on parking garages.
61. Test the Laws of Conservation of Mass
62. Throw marbles into the air and try to get them to orbit
63. Scratch head repeatedly wondering why no donuts have sprouted from the Cheerios I planted two weeks ago.
64. Finish paper explaining how I know that the Thin Mints I got from the Girl Scouts must have been from the placebo control group.
65. Complete design specs for Cheeseburger-Pez.
66. Beer bong Bernaise sauce.